Sunday, 4 July 2010

I don't know what the point of this is....

"First is the worst, second is the best."

The words of a deluded fool, in my opinion.
Or you could say, just a person stung by the undescriable feeling of second best, trying to find anyway to make their (better) opponent feel less pride in their achievement.

I'd rather be last, than second best.
But why? A merit must be better than a pass, right?
It's not a distinction - but it's still better.

That makes perfect sense. If you're one mark off a A, at least you can say "I was only one mark off a A" - you're only competing with yourself, it's only your mark.

But when you come second compared to someone else, it hurts. No matter how happy you are for that person, you'll naturally be envious, upset and would be questioning your own ability.

I know the feeling well, which is partly my own fault. After parent teacher evening this year, my parents have decided to help me more and to 'keep an eye on my work'. Well no, 'not keep an eye, exactly. It's just to help you'. Yeah. Because what every teacher said (bearing in mind the teachers they saw were from my worst subjects) was that 'I didn't apply myself'. Apparently, I'm pretty intelligent and have the ability to be top of the class. But I didn't seem to care, or want to strech myself.

One teacher even mentioned my best friend - Layla. "You know Layla Mayor? Her close friend? Yes? Well, she did better than Fizza because she revised and is always focused. Fizza has the natural ability to be a great linguist, she just doesn't care."

It's true. Layla does better than me in pretty much everything. I'm used to it now, but I guess it used to get to me a little. But, as she has said and everyone says to me, I have the ability to do as well as her - I just don't make the most of that.

But...what if I don't? I think ability and intelligence are different things. Yes, Layla has the intelligence to do well - but she also has the ability to apply herself, focus and revise. I on the other hand, find it hard to do all of those three things.

So maybe, I should just get used to second best. I basically am, by now. Even my little brother (two years younger) could do high school level maths much better than me (and my dad).

I don't feel there's any subject I really excel at. Maybe English, maybe Religious Studies, maybe History. But still - not really. Most people still do better than me. I like taking photos - but my friends are so much better at it. I like writing - but my friends are so much better at it. I like debating - but my friends are so much more informed and always, urm, 'own' me. I like music - but my friends know so much more about it and are so much better at it.

I like dressing up. I like fashion. But I'm not better at that than my friends, seeing as what's 'nice' when it comes to clothing is really in the eye of the beholder.

So yeah, I'm not really amazing at anything. I'm alright at a couple of things. I suck at a few things.

But I can live with that and I accept that. I don't mean to fish for compliments, and I don't mean to sound like I think I'm stupid - I don't. I just know that I haven't (yet) found my special talent or as I spoke about before ( my 'USP'.

Afterall, seeing as I hang out with such a talented bunch of people being second, or third, or fourth best is pretty much expected!

- FQ x

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